Eurovision drinking game rules for 2022 song contest – can you handle it?

Sam’s hair alone warrants a sip (Picture: Alberto Terenghi/IPA / SplashNews.com)

Bad joke: one finger

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The most inevitable of all the rules. This can be a bad joke from the presenters (most likely, there are three of them and one is apparently the James Corden of Italy), any act in the garden-cum-green room, or any joke from a skit. We don’t discriminate against failed comedy here. 

Mika sings: one finger

We’re hoping for this one, tbh. Nothing can’t be improved with a blast of Relax (Take It Easy). 

‘It was better in rehearsals’: one finger

Graham Norton will have seen all of the performance in the jury rehearsals, so will inevitably remark that a country was a bit crapper than they were before. Also, take a sip if you utter ‘it was better in the semi-final’. 

We get to song nine: two fingers

Sir Terry Wogan always waited until song nine to have a drink, so it’s time to raise your glass.

Innuendos: one finger

Sadly, in semi-final one, we lost Latvia, a song that begins with a cunnilingus reference and contains lyrics about gecko tongues and jiggling peaches, and honestly the contest is poorer for it. But we’re sure Graham or a presenter will have some double entendres to slip in there. 

Some serious hair: one finger

Beauty brand Moroccanoil are sponsors of the Song Contest, so it’s only natural that there’s some spectacular dos on stage. Give particular props to Sam Ryder’s waist-length hair, Monica Liu’s quirky bowl cut, and the lead singer of The Rasmus’s feathered hair, going strong since 2003.

Graham compares an artist to a celebrity: two fingers

We’re talking comparing Greece’s Amanda Tenfjord to Lorde, Switzerland’s Marius Bear to George Ezra, Monica Liu’s hair to Austin Powers. That sort of thing. 

Have a toast to Meghan Markle’s hair (Picture: MEGA)

A celebrity is mentioned in the lyrics: one finger

Meghan Markle gets a shout out in the opening verse of Serbia’s song In corpore sano, so get ready to toast the Duchess of Sussex.

A non-English song is sung: two fingers

Lithuania, Netherlands, Ukraine, Italy, France, Cyprus, Serbia, Portugal, Romania, Moldova and Iceland are all singing in their native tongues, so drink up. Fun fact – this is the first contest not to feature a single song in French, as even France’s entry, Alvan and Ahez, have chosen to sing in Breton. 

A former winner appears or is mentioned: one finger

Well, 2021 champs Maneskin are performing their new song Supermodel tonight, so you’re guaranteed at least one drink. 

Someone screams out thank you to the audience the second their final lyric ends: one finger

They’re just SO GRATEFUL, you guys. 

The Rasmus appear: two fingers

In The Shadows, what a tune, eh? 

Ukraine get a standing ovation: cheers and down it

Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra are expected to sweep the televote and are favourites to win the contest due to the current situation in their home, and it will be an emotional one when they perform their song Stefania. 

Sam Ryder’s Crystal Maze staging starts moving: two fingers

We’re already proud. 

During the voting

As soon as you spot Aj, grab your drink (Picture: BBC)

Technical difficulties: one finger

We’ve put a man on the moon, yet we can’t connect Latvia to northern Italy without a hitch. 

AJ Odudu appears: Two fingers

AJ is the UK’s spokesperson this year, and rightly so. A moment of silence for her busted ankle on Strictly. 

Graham Norton correctly predicts neighbours swapping douze points: two fingers

Ah, the voting bloc, you never fail to add fuel to the ‘it’s all about politics!’ fire. It’s not real, people, some cultures are just alike!

A spokesperson decides to sing or play an instrument: one finger
Yes, you may be a minor popstar, but we haven’t got all night. 

The UK gets 12 points: down your drink

Usually this is highly unlikely, so downing a drink can be avoided. But seeing as Sam is doing so well in the odds, you could be absolutely trashed by the time Lithuania reads out their jury votes. Here’s hoping!

Somebody’s gracious face slips: one finger

This, in tribute to 2019 Swedish entry John Lundvik, is bound to happen as the televote points are totted up. Somebody who excels in the jury vote can absolutely tank with the public and immediately rocket down the leaderboard. Cruel? Yes. Funny? Also yes. 

Somebody gets nul point (either in the jury or televote): two fingers

Again, this used to be an anomaly, but with the new voting system, nul point is easier to come by – as evidenced by the series of zero points in the jury vote last year, and poor James Newman’s bottom of the leaderboard result. We can’t see it happening to Sam this year, but there’s bound to be one or two acts that fail to impress.

The UK wins: crack open the champers

We don’t mean to raise anybody’s hopes, but Sam Ryder and Space Man have the potential to be the UK’s best result at Eurovision since Jade Ewen’s fifth place finish in 2009 – and perhaps even better. Anything on the left hand side of the leaderboard will be a massive achievement, but if Sam does edge out the competition, prepare to get out Tesco’s finest bubbles and start writing to your MPs for Sam’s open-top bus tour through the streets of London. 

The Eurovision Song Contest grand final airs from 8pm on BBC One.

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